kitchen Angst!

I had a lot more written but something happened and it got erased, so today I want to finish my outlook on the “lone wolf” aspect of my life.

I was talking about my inability to function in the “non-working” part of my life and how I am more comfortable at work… so I want to explain more.

I live for work! I  feel complete if I do something productive with my day. However, I love days without a care in the world as well! I love being social, and really enjoy having others around me, I just have to know them VERY well. This is why my “social time” is almost all done while working. I create very strong bonds with my co-workers, and consider them more like family! This is why I really hated missing bowling night!

Now, I am working on being more open to stepping outside the proverbial “box”  and “expanding my horizons”, “Living my life to the fullest” and all the other cliche’s I can’t think of right now!!

My life is great, I just wish this recession would end so I can start making some money again! I find it hard to work on my S.A.D. when I’m too broke to go out and put my theories to the test! As I have said in the past I really hate the idea of using drugs to control my social disorder, I feel they only make it worse! If you can’t deal with people sober, you can’t deal with anything. In my opinion, Hiding behind drugs is worse than staying in your room!

I don’t want to give you the wrong Impression, I love my life, and have great friends… I just need to re-learn the art of social behavior among strangers. That to me is the only way… I never want to revert to taking drugs… not for this anyway!!

Well I’ve been told that I need to write more about cooking. That my post’s that combine my past with my love of food are the best, so I am working on some for you. I hope to have some great ones for you soon!

If you have any questions or Ideas don’t be afraid to conctact me and I’ll do my best to write about it!!

James

Besides getting several “concerned” e-mails, and only one response to my post, I have today seen something that disturbed me greatly!

A friend of mine on Facebook posted an article today about a 10 year old in Chicago, that committed suicide at school. I honestly can’t tell you how I feel about this. I read the article and got no answers. He was found on the floor, but He hanged himself? Some other kids said they pulled him down, before the Janitor tried to revive Him.  The mother was quoted as sending her son off that morning “In good spirits”.  I don’t know what happened in that bathroom, however I do know that as a pre-teen I was often abused by my peers! I also did things on a dare ( to gain acceptance ), that now, I would never do!

I am in no way trying to undermine this tragedy. On the contrary I’m trying to understand it.  My own Mother spoke to me about “ending it all” when she was suffering with M.S. because she knew I had struggled with the concept myself! However, We were both adults, not 10 year old children! We could rationalize, and look forward! How can someone so young deal with such a harsh subject alone? If this really was a suicide ( and not a prank gone bad ) How do we (as a community) insure it won’t repeat itself?

I will say this… lets not look for blame, but solutions! I don’t care why this horrible tragedy happened, as long as we learn from it, and don’t let it happen again! Otherwise it was for not!

Honor this young life and make a difference, Get involved, learn how to mentor kids, give back to the community that gave to you! We are a village!!

It takes us all!!

Young, Old , or in between. You can make a difference in someones life… Just Do It!!!

P.S. I am no longer getting paid per post, so if you like what I am saying pass it on, If not… It doesn’t matter!!

I am speaking my mind, and saying how I feel!! that’s it!!!

James

For those of you that know me, you know I have two “myspace” accounts, one “Facebook” account, and I’m on skype, twitter, and many other sites that I try to keep up with as much as I can!

I have found it difficult to keep up with all of my online activities lately! My blog has really taken a blow, so much so that I am no longer getting paid my “per post” rate anymore! I know I ‘m not alone in this downgrade, however it has made me consider giving it up all together! My favorite blog cohorts have also been hit hard and I feel It is just to much to try and keep plugging my way through with little or no results! I love writing, that’s not the issue, It’s just trying to keep up my numbers ( U. V.s ) is a tough thing in these times! I have to pay my rent not serf the net, and some days I just don’t feel motivated to write about my life! I know I have a great and loyal fan base, but according to the powers that be that’s not enough! I may understand the business end of it, but I feel they have lost the community aspect of it! “It takes a village” and I thought this was just that… a village, not a competition! Some of my friends have also lost there standing here, and feel as I that it is getting too hard to please everyone else first! My friends on Facebook just read me the riot act about not writing more! My response to them was that I was no longer getting out of it, what I started it for! They responded… you started it for the wrong reasons then!!

I think I get it now, I may have started this as a money making venture, but it has turned into something much more!! I may not like that, but it is the truth! I may never make another dime… but I promise to keep writing! If not here, somewhere! For now the Angst will continue!! I will do my best to write daily again, about things you want to read, or know! please if you have any ideas or suggestions for me let me know!!

I will follow any lead you give me!!

James

I have always enjoyed growing my own herbs, tomatoes, and even vegetables at times, even for the restaurant. I have often designed my specials around what I harvested that day! While I was working in Minneapolis, MN. at the Loring cafe I grew my own purple potatoes right out front in our outdoor seating area! I also had my little herb garden there as well. Every day I would go out and take 10 minutes weeding, tending to the garden and thinking about what I wanted to fix for a special. I would dig up enough potatoes for the night, clip my herbs and answer all the questions asked of me by the patrons sitting near by! There were always a lot of questions, people found it oddly amazing that I grew my own potatoes, and most of them were intrigued enough to return for dinner and enjoy my creation, bragging to their friends that they had seen me dig the potatoes out of the ground just hours ago! This was dinner as theater, at it’s finest!! I did hate it when they would request me at the table, I always tried to pretend I was to busy, but the server  would usually insist I go! My S.A.D. really doesn’t kick in as bad when I’m in my cooking costume so I could manage okay, but I still hated going out in the dinning room!

Now to my leading question! I had someone recently make a snide comment about how chefs all grow their own herbs and veggies, like it was some kind of social statement that we were better than the average man!

I said: No, we just like fresh produce and love seeing the dish through from start to finish!

They replied: sounds pompous to me! The herbs in the market aren’t fresh enough for you?

No, I responded: There too expensive! Herbs are nothing more than tasty weeds, why not grow your own?

As you can see I didn’t make a friend that day, however I just might have put someone in their place on proper etiquette.

In this day and age anything we can do to save some money is well worth the time and effort I say! Grow your own and save that money for something else!

Frugal Wins!!!

James

On the 3rd, I discussed all the recessive genes I have been blessed with, and as melissan stated in here comment, Yes I am “a recessive gene gone wild”! However of all these qualities, only one influences my daily life!
Being a South paw ( left handed ) has affected me more than even I realized, until I started Culinary school. In my first year butchery class, my very french instructor, acted like He had never met someone who used there left hand before. He had no idea how to show me how to butcher a whole fish, or anything else for that matter. I was left to my own devices to watch Him and reverse it, this was very frustrating for me and I would get so angry, I would just ask for Him to go slower and allow me to study what his hands were doing. We did get along well, but we were both aggravated at best! Once I would get it down, I would have to show Him, and explain the whys of my every move, this meant I had to learn to do everything with both my left and right hand, so I could explain how they were the same, Just different! This was my downfall at school!! After that class I got the reputation of being the doubting Thomas of the year! Needing to know why for everything, I also had to return to butchery class every block and give demonstrations on left handed techniques. For a student with S.A.D. that just wanted to fade into the background this was a nightmare!
I did learn a lot about the differences, between right, and left handers., but I was thrust into a spotlight that I couldn’t turn off for two years!

In every block ( class )  I was the one that got the extra homework…a book report on the differences between real butter and margarine,  Why you start your potatoes in cold water when you want to boil them, or why something sticks to your pan as your sauteing it, and how to prevent it from happening!

OUCH!!!! ENOUGH!!! I just want to be a regular student!

I did get a first rate education, and now I am grateful to my instructors for forcing me out of my comfort zone,  and helping me learn to deal with my S.A.D. even though they had no idea that’s what they were doing.
Tomorrow I will talk about the present, and how this has helped me succeed in my profession!
till then,
James

My family tree held on to all the recessive genes and dumped them all in one nut… ME!

Talk about being an odd ball! I love it though, I just wish I hadn’t been so outgoing, and loud as a kid. I wanted to talk about everything, being the youngest of three, this caused more problems for me, I was always being told to “shut up, that I was stupid”, and that “I would never be anything”! Well I guess I believed them enough to make it so! That’s how S.A.D. starts most of the time… a traumatic time in your childhood.

I have now realized this and am working on getting over those feelings of worthlessness, however they do still creep into my daily life… if I’m not careful! Even though I have recently gone through a devastating break up, I found someone new that loves me! I wont lie, I’m scared… “once bitten” as they say! But I refuse to allow the downfalls of my past to control my future! I will move on!!!! more slowly than before, and with an added since of self worth but that is what growth is all about. I have to realize that I am worth the love that is being shown too me! That my love for them is only half the equation. If it isn’t equal, It’s not worth my time!  This is a  hard thing to see, but with time I will figure it out… and make millions off my book!

The Heart is an amazing thing, even while it is broken, it can find love!! I never thought it true, but it is! I only hope this time it doesn’t end, or if it does… it wont ruin me for life! Through hardship, comes pleasure, so maybe this is just that for me! I have been nothing but  honest with my new Beau ( and He with me ) now only time and understanding will tell! He knows I have to take it slow, so we will!

No drugs involved!

just understanding, and proper communication!

James

As I have stated, I want to dedicate part of my blog to Social Anxiety disorder! No time like the present I say! I want to talk about the idea of going out on a major Holiday ( like New Years Eve! )! For most people it is a time of reflection, and looking forward. A time to let loose and really have some fun… For Me it is a time of great anxiety, and just wanting to get away from everyone! I’m not saying that I don’t want to ring in the new year with loved ones, just not in a crowded bar with a bunch of strangers, paying top dollar for a beer! I would rather spend my evening with a few close friends at someones home! If  I don’t have someone to kiss at midnight already, I’m not going to find them at 10pm!

I am writing on this subject now, not only because of the date, but also due to the fact that three friends of mine ( who know how I am ) have asked me what my plans for the evening are! And all told me to go out and “Have some fun”! Well they must not be as good of friends as I thought, if they think that going out alone is fun for me!

We S.A.D.’s understand what you are trying to do, and we apprecieate it as well, but what you don’t understand is that “going out” is stressful for us, and unless you are willing to go with us and help us “deal”, than don’t insult us by throwing it in our face.

Sorry for the downer, But I needed to get that of my chest! i do hope 2009 is better for everyone! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

James

This came as a bit of a shock, I thought in these hard time that people would be interested in learning how to cope with S.A.D., without the expensive drugs!

No worries, I have decided to move forward with my plans and post at least three days on the subject here!

My SAD existence! lives through the angst!

I not only want to share how S.A.D. has affected me, but also helpful ways to deal with it, without going on antidepressants. I feel the drugs often do more harm than good. Yes they help many people, however, I have seen the ugly side and I don’t like it!

For years now I thought I had a mild case of S.A.D. ,but  recently discovered mine to be more on the severe side of the scale. I also believed it to be due to all the drugs I did back in the 80’s, again I was proven wrong. My inability to feel happiness is the result of my X use, but not my anxiety.

I hope you come by and help me explore these highly important issues.

James