kitchen Angst!

It has been my experience that there are many faces to Suicide, although most people only allow themselves to see one! I am of course talking about the “selfish” face most people give it. I don’t always agree that this mask is appropriate. I firmly believe that most of the time, the person is so consumed with grief, pain, or depression that they not only feel it’s the best for themselves, but it’s necessary for the long term happiness of everyone else in their life as well! This isn’t the act of a selfish person, instead, an act of selflessness, taking a dive for the greater good! Yes self pity can be the underlining reason, however in most incidents where this is the case, It’s just a cry for help, not a true attempt! I have found if someone is serious they don’t discuss it with anyone, they just do what they feel they need to!

Now I don’t want to get a lot of nasty Hate mail from this so please understand, I am not saying that I agree with someone taking there own life, but I will not allow myself to victimize them in death by calling them selfish! We are all part of the greater good, each a piece of the puzzle, but sometimes the pieces just don’t fit! It’s not my place to judge.

One of my friends was only eighteen when He ended his life. He had gone to the Texxas Jam one year and ended up doing more drugs than he could remember. after the day long rock fest, he came home, but his brain stayed behind… After three weeks of feeling he was constantly high on cocaine he went to his parents and told them the whole thing. They checked Him into the hospital, where He stayed for two weeks while they tried to bring him down, and back to normal, They were unsuccessful! Three weeks later, He wrote His mother a touching letter that He just couldn’t go on tripping, and took off. We never heard from him again. I heard rumor years later that his body was found in a field in Kansas, but I’m not sure that’s true. This wasn’t a selfish act, This was just doing what He had to do to stop the bad trip!

Another of my friends later that same year, decided to come out to his family. This proved to be fatal. It was in January in the panhandle of Texas, very cold! His father beat him, took him 20 miles out of town with only the clothes on his back ( no coat) and at 1am dumped Him out on the side of the road like a bag of garbage! He was told not to try to come get any of his things, because His dad had bought everything so He had nothing! He walked for six hours before he got a lift to another friends house! Even with the support of Me, and our other friends, It was just to much rejection for him to take. He drank a whole bottle of rum and jumped 8 stories to his death. the bruises from his dad still visible!

I have lost three friends to suicide in my life, and four others have attempted it! I myself  have had four failed ( or not so serious ) attempts in my past. I was really ready once, but it didn’t happen, It wasn’t my time! I now love any life I have left. I don’t fear death, but I won’t try to bring it on any sooner than it is meant to be!! I will also never call someone a coward, or selfish, for attempting, or succeeding in taking their own life! I will do everything in my power to get them the help they need, to get through their hard time, but if I fail… I won’t blame them, or myself for not doing enough! I will miss them, love them, and keep them alive with my memory, and the telling of their story’s.

both the good as well as the tragic! 

Depression is serious! Drugs are bad! and Words can kill!

Lets all try a little harder to be better human beings, and show more compassion toward each other!

James

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