kitchen Angst!

As I have stated, I want to dedicate part of my blog to Social Anxiety disorder! No time like the present I say! I want to talk about the idea of going out on a major Holiday ( like New Years Eve! )! For most people it is a time of reflection, and looking forward. A time to let loose and really have some fun… For Me it is a time of great anxiety, and just wanting to get away from everyone! I’m not saying that I don’t want to ring in the new year with loved ones, just not in a crowded bar with a bunch of strangers, paying top dollar for a beer! I would rather spend my evening with a few close friends at someones home! If  I don’t have someone to kiss at midnight already, I’m not going to find them at 10pm!

I am writing on this subject now, not only because of the date, but also due to the fact that three friends of mine ( who know how I am ) have asked me what my plans for the evening are! And all told me to go out and “Have some fun”! Well they must not be as good of friends as I thought, if they think that going out alone is fun for me!

We S.A.D.’s understand what you are trying to do, and we apprecieate it as well, but what you don’t understand is that “going out” is stressful for us, and unless you are willing to go with us and help us “deal”, than don’t insult us by throwing it in our face.

Sorry for the downer, But I needed to get that of my chest! i do hope 2009 is better for everyone! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

James

This came as a bit of a shock, I thought in these hard time that people would be interested in learning how to cope with S.A.D., without the expensive drugs!

No worries, I have decided to move forward with my plans and post at least three days on the subject here!

My SAD existence! lives through the angst!

I not only want to share how S.A.D. has affected me, but also helpful ways to deal with it, without going on antidepressants. I feel the drugs often do more harm than good. Yes they help many people, however, I have seen the ugly side and I don’t like it!

For years now I thought I had a mild case of S.A.D. ,but  recently discovered mine to be more on the severe side of the scale. I also believed it to be due to all the drugs I did back in the 80’s, again I was proven wrong. My inability to feel happiness is the result of my X use, but not my anxiety.

I hope you come by and help me explore these highly important issues.

James

I’m sure it hasn’t gone unnoticed that I have been slacking off! I had a perfect post last month, and only missed one day in October. Now, in what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year, I find myself  fighting just to keep my head above water. I have missed more days than I’ve written,  That may be a blessing to some, but I feel I have to get back in the saddle and write on… I have several great post’s in my head, and need to start putting them into this “black box”!

I didn’t think this year would be any different from past Decembers, however, I have found it to be the hardest to date! I think I actually broke the straps off my boots pulling so hard! It’s that damn broken toe! Not to mention, this recession were now in, I am losing more hours each week, with no end in site. I’m afraid I will be ringing in the “New Year” looking for a “New Job”.

Oh well that’s what change is all about, start fresh, and move forward! who knows maybe I’ll try something new this year!

James

I’m just quickly trying to get ready, and post this so I can go enjoy myself!

Last year the party was pretty lame, even though I did get my drink on! I hear this year is going to be better. I am taking my camera, so I can post some shots later, I found my cord, which means as soon as I can find the time I can also add the ones from Thanksgiving! I promise it will happen this week sometime.

I also want to put a call out to anyone who has any food allergies, I want to do a series on them and how a professional kitchen deals with the issue. I just want to go on the record and say I personally have never caused anyone to have a reaction ( that I am aware of anyway ).

I gotta run, I will put the shots up as soon as I can!

James

Well as I touched on before, We are hard nuts to crack.The hours are long. The kitchen is hot and full of tension. We are high strung, and quite often have some type of dependency issue. Yes a lot of chefs or alcoholics, “working alcoholics”, but alcoholics just the same. You probably wouldn’t even know unless you find yourself in a relationship with one. If they haven’t come to terms with it and faced it. You are in for a “bumpy ride”.
I want you to understand, Chefs aren’t bad people, who can’t control themselves. It’s just The restaurant is their home, Food is their partner, Their staff is their family. Any outsider is just that…. an outsider. They may love you and only you as a life mate, but you will never come between a chef and his kitchen. This is why there are so many single chefs out there. It takes a very special person to love a chef for who they are, accept that they will probably not come straight home from work, not want to cook at home, but throw big parties for the staff on holidays.

As it is… our staff party is  tomorrow, and I would rather be in the kitchen, cooking for everyone than “all dolled up”, and enjoying it! I had to invite a friend to go with me, just so I would attend! I have to work all day and only have two hours, to go home and get “cleaned up”, so I would much rather just stay home!

I am going, and taking pictures for you all… so please come back too see what happens! I tend to get crazy at these things!

James

My last relationship was “The One” I thought. It had all the calling cards for a long term, loving bond between two people. We talked every day and even though it was a long distance relationship we were honest and understanding of this fact. We respected each other and would give ourselves time to deal with the (time or physical) difference between us. We were very good about respecting each others time zone and not being overbearing when it came to our contact. We built our relationship on our commutations with with each other and not on the physical aspect of the relationship. As We got to know each other and our love grew, We really began to need that actual physical bond. I planed a trip, and This is where I feel I fell short, but I will attack this issue later. For now I want to focus on the lighter (and more telling) side of this entry.
He introduced me to”angry alien” and I fell in love. The first movie He told me about on this site was Titanic, He sent me the link, so I watched it. I want to say I did see the movie in the theater, but I wasn’t as drawn into the hype of the movie as everyone else on the planet, but in this forum it was hysterical! I fell in love and watched all It’s offers in two days! They are only 30 seconds long after all. This is my main focus because of two of the lines in the cartoon. “I will jump, no you won’t,Yes I will” has ended up as the catch phrase for our relationship. We still want to be in each others lives, but are no longer in love ( Well He no longer loves me ) ! I don’t know why and it doesn’t really matter at this point, I just have to deal with this reality, or cut him out of my life completely ( which I am not willing to do). He is and always will be a very strong influence in my life, and ( at least)  a great friend. The second is more telling to me, at the very end ” I won’t let go Jack” As she lets go! I found that funny before, but now It hits too close to home! I feel as if I have been let go…sinking to the bottom, and I am not sure why! This hurts more than knowing! If I knew what happened, I could work on fixing it, Or myself, so it doesn’t happen again the next time! For now, just enjoy the link and remember… life is short, live It one day at a time! Don’t dwell on” what might have been?”, instead, “what can be!”!!!

Look forward… not behind!

James

No kidding here!

I acually broke it on Tuesday at work somehow, but I only realized it after I had gotten home! Now what? I don’t even know how I did it so workmans comp. isn’t going to pick it up, and I can’t afford to miss work for a boo-boo on my big toe , what a joke that would be!

Even though it only seems to be a fracture, It is still swolen, four different colors ( pretty ), and VERY TENDER!!! I can’t worry about it now, like spilt milk… It’s done, so I have to hobble on. Thank god for drugs! I have always loved drugs, and now… I have an excuse to do them at work! With everything else that is going on in this Country today, I count myself one of the lucky ones, I have a job, no morgage, no car, or credit card debt. Yes, student loans are sucking me dry,  but me and my purple, yellow, red and green toe are going to be just fine!

James

December is always a hard month for me, My brothers birthday is on the 1st, and my mother passed away on the 10th,  seeing how my brother and I (who were very close growing up ) don’t talk anymore, makes the first week most unbearable! I know I am an adult now and should be able to put these emotions behind me, or at least hide them from the rest of the world. I find it easier to just retreat and allow myself to feel my emotions, rather then pretend they don’t exist! I don’t hide from my feelings, just my friends, while I’m feeling them. No one likes a whiner!

Enough about me and my issues, I want to tell you about my beautiful mother!

My mother was a strong woman raising three of the most hell raising kids around, no we were really pretty normal, but we did test her every day! I was the youngest and I guess I “fit the mold” well, I was always Her baby… but I also could never live up to my brother, or sister!

My mother loved me deeply and always wanted the best…and she delivered! M.S. took her too soon, I will never get over my lose. But I know she is up there somewhere looking down on me and saying…I am so proud of you, but you need to get off your butt and do something creative! Paint, draw, or sculpt again, don’t waist you life, living for money! I am going to try to listen to her this time and start focusing on my artistic talents more, and my financial shit less! I have her mothers China painting paints, and the last set of china she was working on, so who knows I may just pick it back up! Until then I will pick up a pencil, or brush and begin my life of solitude again… adding a little color to every day! I may never be loved by another, and get married, and have “happily ever after”… but some of us just weren’t meant for that life!

Love ya MOM and miss you like the dickens!

Jimmy

That’s right J, not Jay, or Jacob, just J. He was a real character, always with a smart ass comment! J would always be quoting some film I hadn’t seen and scolding me for being so illiterate when it came to movies.

I first met J in the hospital, and we grew to be good friends once he got out. He lived close to me so we could hang out on a regular basis. He was one of my first trinkets to adorn my jacket, an ankh.

It was perfect for Him, and to this day makes me think of his love of all things Egyptian, His house looked like the tomb of some dead Pharaoh.  He wanted to be mummified when he died, and laid to rest in a pyramid. J was one grand character, that’s for sure!

We would sit in front of his TV and watch movie of all sorts, He would always know the story, and all you ever wanted to know about the actors as well. I learned more about the cinema from J than I have from anyone else hands down! He was a great friend!

When J died He didn’t get his final wish per say… but we did buy him a pyramid shaped urn, for his ashes, and placed a Lapis Lazuli, scarab beetle  in with him! I know he went happy, and is remembered fondly by many!

James

As you may know today is World AIDS Day, and I have decided to again Unite with my fellow blogger’s and write on the subject.

If you have followed my blog you know I have had my share of dealing with this plague, and I don’t tend to shy away from the subject.

In my post on October 16, Comfort food continued…, I told the story of my friend Jon, and our last days together.

Well Jon has a special place, not only in my heart, but also on my “Coat of many memories”. This is an actual coat, that I do wear out on occasion, Not as often now as before. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself, so let me back up a bit.

As I stated before in the early 90’s I was involved in a program called the buddy system, where I would go to the hospital, or homes, to visit AIDS patients, who had been abandoned by their family and friends. This may seem impossible to believe, but back them the stigma of this disease, along with the fact that so little was known about it ( other than the fact that there was no cure ), made this an all too true scenario. Many men were left to die alone, in a hospital with no dignity, or grace!

I would go to the hospital before work every day. head up to the third floor ( the Aids ward ) and just pick a room at random most of the time, walk in, introduce myself, and pull up a chair. I would ask them the usual questions, Name, age, T-cell count, Viral load. You know the questions anyone asks when they first meet you! I would ask of course about their family and if they had support or not, Most didn’t.

This is where I filled in, I became their friend, there lover, there brother, their only family! Like I said, I went every day before work so I didn’t have a lot of time, I had to make the most of every hour I had. I first would pop in and see the guys that I knew were really bad off.. just in case they hadn’t made it through the night, or if they had, so we could talk one last time just in case they passed before I got back ( This may seem harsh, but believe me I learned it the hard way ) . I never knew what or who I was going to find. I remember one Monday in particular, I went in to find 5 of my friends had passed over the weekend, and two had been released, the only thing is I had no Idea where they had gone! They both had been disowned by their families, and had no friends to speak of, how can you just let a sick man walk out of a hospital with no where to go? I went to work that day with a very heavy heart, and 7 friends lost forever without a goodbye!

back to my coat, well It’s more a bikers jacket, I bought It solely for the purpose of remembering my friends that I was now being forced to watch die! I grew up in the punk rock scene, and I always had my leather jacket with all my shit painted, glued, or sewn on it, so I wanted a new one! This one was going to represent the same anger, nonconformity, and rebellion that my old one did, but it would also have something more!   A charm from every Man I had Held hands and cried with, every person I had to watch die, every soul that touched me due to this fucked up “Gay Cancer” as Reagan so pompously called it!

I had already received several trinkets from many of my friends, and every time I told someone what I was doing, They were quick to find just the right piece to give me, or If They didn’t have anything, I would simply ask them how they wanted to be remembered, and I would go out and find something for them!

My Jacket quickly became a living breathing art piece, bringing pride and love to a bunch of men who had lost all hope! I was shocked that something I started out of anger, and rage against the system, could turn into a suit of armor for me, and a symbol of acceptance for so many others. It began to take on a life of It’s own, I would wear it as often as I could to open a dialog with people on the taboo subject of suffering at the hand of our prejudice. It worked well, I would hear someone make a comment on my “gay jacket” and I would tell them just how right they were… I never got into a fight, because once they heard the story, they would just turn and somberly walk away!

By this time I had about 30 to 45 charms added which did make it quite a gay jacket! It grew to 50 before I stopped adding any new ones.

When Reagan died I wanted to go… and get a picture of me and my friends with His dead body!

If you don’t mind I would like to continue this and turn it into Aids week! I would love to tell some of the stories of my lost friends, stories of the trinkets, on my coat of many memories….

James