Nov 13 2008
Every cloud has a silver lining!!!!
This is so true ,but as I have said in the past, It’s up to you to find it! This means having a positive mental attitude in the middle of a personal crisis. Easier said than done right? Well they say… nothing worth having in life, is easy or free, and I believe them.
My personal example for todays post begins exactly 4 months ago today, on August 13th, 2008, at 8:35 in the morning of all times. I was expecting a skype call from my then fiance that day. We were going to have more time than usual to talk, Wednesday is my day off so we can start our conversation sooner. As it turned out we didn’t need that extra time at all, once He got me on the line he told me he had “bad news” and told me he didn’t love me anymore! That was it no discussion, no reason other than something broke in his mind and he just didn’t love me in that way anymore! He was sorry for the pain He was causing me, and He wished He could make me hate him so my healing would happen quicker! What the hell is that? I have described this moment in past posts as being thrown into a black hole, and I still feel that is an accurate description.
I don’t want to flog a dead horse here, but I feel you need some of the background to fully get how I came to find my silver lining in this, so please bear with me for a bit more.
We would Skye at least once every day, twice most days, and three times whenever possible! We loved to talk to each other, If there was a day we couldn’t we would e-mail our frustrations back and forth, or call on the phone. This continued right up to August the 12th, The day before the breakup! So when it happened, I must admit, I was completely taken aback and didn’t know how to deal with a blow so sudden, so final! The words, I love you, I miss you, and I can’t wait until we are together again, were still in all of our communications. I was confused, how can someone go from, I love you, and will wait ten years for us to be together if I have too, to I don’t love you and I wish I could make you hate me, in 24 hours? His only explanation was that he woke up and it was like something inside him broke! Well that isn’t good enough for me, so I went back through our e-mails and skype logs to try to piece this together, and get the answers I needed to accept this final decision, that I had no say in.
This is what I found!
He and I met just a month after He had made a major move, and had to leave behind someone He had been in a relationship with for the 18 months, He described their last day together as a very sad day. They both cried at the airport while saying goodbye, and he continued to cry for most of his flight home. He was honest about his love for this guy, even though He knew they would never live in the same city again, therefor not being able to continue the relationship. I was honest when I said that if something ever changed, I would not stand in their way, no matter how much it would hurt me, I recognized the fact that he still had strong feelings for him and I would step aside if needed for them to be happy together. That was that, He told me that he loved me now and wanted to be with me, I felt the same so we moved forward.
Our relationship grew stronger with every passing day. I had my vacation time coming up, so We planned a trip for me to go visit him. We had already said those three words, He actually said them first, which I couldn’t believe, but was thrilled about! So I decided I would propose to him on my trip. We had already discussed getting married so it wasn’t such a stretch. I knew He would say yes! He did and I gave Him my mothers 1 caret diamond solitaire engagement ring. We were well on our way to happily ever after! There were no tears at the airport when I left, this did concern me at first, but he reassured me that it was because He had become jaded about saying goodbye, He had to do it so many times in His life, It just didn’t phase him anymore. I on the other hand cried the entire flight home.
Shortly after my return home He had a medical scare that changed his life, and caused Him to fall into a deep depression. I wanted so much to get on the next plane and be by his side right then, but I couldn’t. His ex-lover had already planned a trip to visit him, so even though He knew nothing about me yet, I wasn’t worried, I knew I was loved and our relationship was strong! I also felt that if I couldn’t be there personally, at least My man had someone with him to help him cope with this problem. Someone who He loved and trusted, and that loved him. I was truly great full, and not at all worried about it. I know this sounds naive, and your right, My friends and family told me, but I didn’t listen. We were in love, and even if they did have one last fling I was convinced He would come back to me in the end, besides I was the one planning a move to be with Him, and He was wearing My mothers diamond around his neck!
Well We stayed in touch throughout His ex’s visit, which ended on the 6th of August, and everything was still rainbows, and puppy dogs! However one week later it was over… just that fast! Now for those of you out there that have had more experience in love than I have, you probably know where this is headed already. I had no clue, until I figured it out on my own about six weeks ago.
I was His rebound relationship! I had never been, or had one of my own before, so I had no idea what the signs were to look for. Even if they never get back together, I know My being His second choice meant our relationship was over. He is a great man, and wouldn’t want to put me through a major move, and life change, when he loves someone else more than He loves me.
I believed Him, when He said He never meant to hurt me. I also believe He didn’t expect our relationship to go as far as it did. I know He tried to love me as much as I loved Him, but seeing his ex just proved to him that it wasn’t to be! Even though to this day He hasn’t admitted this, I now see it clearly, and even though it doesn’t take the pain of losing my one true love away, I understand it better, and can now start to heal without being bitter. I will always love him, but I also realize, We weren’t meant to be lovers. We are now working on our friendship, which is more important to me than being His one and only.
He is a great man and not having Him in My life at all… Isn’t an option.
This clouds silver lining is two fold:
1. I now have a great and dear friend that I wouldn’t have had otherwise!
and
2. I now know what a rebound relationship is like, and what to look for, or be weary of the next time.
James
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