kitchen Angst!

I feel very strongly on giving someone what they want! No matter what, a person should be able to live in the way they want if it is an option! I want to be clear here, I feel someones last days alive are their’s to decide. In this case We were faced with what the doctors, in home nurses, and He, were saying, and having to make decisions daily on what we should do. I always sided with him! It is still HIS life and He should make the call. I am sure some of you are offended by this, so what! When it’s your turn, I think you just might change your tune!

Now here I just feel I need to fill some of the gaps I ( originally I wasn’t going to include ) left in this story. Mike was my “boyfriend” at the time, He was the best friend of Eric, who was the boyfriend of Jon, who this story is about! So now you know the who we are! I was at the house one morning, again waiting for the nurse to arrive… 2 hours late already! when just out of conversation I asked Jon, what would you like to do today? I was thinking siting outside in the back yard ( He loved that ) or listening to the TV. I want to go to the beach! He says with great enthusiasm! Well I don’t know if that is possible, I responded, besides the nurse should be here soon. His reaction was horrible, He started crying and told me that the nurse was mean to him and she scared him, He didn’t want the nurse to come he wanted me to stay! It was my first day off in a while and mike and I had plans, I didn’t want to spend the day inside watching TV with someone who only knew me as “the Crab man”, changing bloody diapers, and hooking Him up to machines! I wanted to have a life of my own… Then it hit me, I do have a life and I have the ability to make Jon’s better! I took a deep breath and said OK when Mike gets here we will talk to him about going to the beach! I did just that, Mike arrived and I told him about Jon’s request and We agreed to go to the beach that day! As We were leaving the house… The nurse finally shows up, We sent her away and went to the beach!

We knew Jon didn’t have long left, hell He had already outlived the doctors predictions. He was on borrowed time, and Mike and I wanted him to enjoy it! All the way to the beach Jon kept talking about past experiences, which We couldn’t believe He could remember. He was so alive! so lucid! Then He stopped… and without remorse or shame said, I want to do cocaine one more time before I die! Mike and I just looked at each other somberly and said OK Jon, today is all about YOU. They knew people! We made a quick stop at a friends place, and explained the situation, and where on our way! We went to the beach and had the time of our lives? It was hard dealing with the stares of the other people, even though I understood how seeing a man topless on the beach with tubes sticking out of His chest ( wrapped in plastic wrap ) must have looked to them. Jon got His wish, that was all that mattered to me.

It wasn’t even one week later, again I was staying overnight with Jon when he woke at 4 am screaming bloody murder ( which happened regularly ) I ran in to comfort him, His bed was soiled in a way I had never seen before. I sat on the floor and held him in my arms, rocking him talking to him trying to ease his fear, afraid myself! I call Mike, Get over here now It’s not good! I’m on my way, He says! I sit in the darkness rocking this grown man in my arms, both of us covered in his blood and shit, Singing hymns and saying It’s OK… It’s OK….It’s time to go… just let go…. Jon Died in my arms that morning, the last thing He said to me was… I love you Crab man…! Mike arrived 15 minutes later to find me balling and still holding Jon!

Like I said before I have 50 stories like this one! The buddy system was a great project, but It was hard to maintain, due to the reality of It. I don’t regret being involved, It made me a better person! But It was the hardest thing I have ever done!

More importantly, I was able to be there for someone else in their time of need! I will always hold the “Crab Man” nickname close to my heart, but I also won’t allow anyone else to call me that!

Wow this was a hard one, I’m sorry, Jon died in October of 93, and I needed to share his story.

James